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Pat Robertson: Crazy Old Bastard

Pat Robertson: Crazy Old Bastard

Pat Roberston – Is God Trolling Him?

The world is a bleak place at times. When you’ve got a harmless robot hanging out in Philadelphia, chillin’ out maxin’, relaxin’ all cool, and then a couple of guys who are up to no good start murdering robots in the neighbourhood, you know you have some problems with humanity. That’s why I like to find news stories about the lighter side of life. Stories about people who get shot in the face when their bullet rebounds off an armadillo, or the stories about people who, when refused sex by the missus, take the only reasonable course of action and set fire to their own home. Pat Robertson shows up in a lot of these stories, and from what little I know, he clearly is a crazy old bastard.

Now this isn’t something exclusive to America. We have our own varied crazies here in the United Kingdom. From Katie Hopkins, the trout-faced trollop who spends her days thinking of the most clickbaity offensive things to say, through to our own Prime Minister, David Cameron, who clearly has no idea how the Internet works while also believing facesitting is a potentially lethal practice. Pat Robertson is a special level of crazy though. When reading through the varied things Pat has claimed, and there’s a new nugget of nuttiness every week, one can only assume this muppet comes up with ridiculous theories and immediately assumes that God must be directly planting these theories into his head. Ergo, they must be true!

For instance, one of his most recent claims is that witches are able to put curses onto unborn babies when an expectant mother shares an ultrasound photo on Facebook. This was in response to a caller on his show – yes, somehow this man has his own show – who asked whether there was anything wrong with sharing ultrasound photographs on social media? Of course, there is, at least from the point of view of Pat Robertson. It seems Pat Robertson is able to relate virtually any topic to some sort of nefarious plot against his own social ideology.

Pat Robertson once stated that “Feminism is a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

And that is just the tip of the idiocy iceberg. Pat has rallied against pretty much everyone who doesn’t fit into his narrowminded view of how the world should work. Gay people are a common target for this nincompoop; he once argued that snow was God’s way of punishing people who were planning to drive to do “something gay” while making various apocalyptic predictions about permitting equal marriage, contraception and various other things most sane people either support, or realise it doesn’t affect them in a negative way and thus pay it no heed.

Having appointed himself as God’s mouthpiece he has the added benefit of not being required to back any of these statements up with hard evidence, or even soft evidence, or even anything that having been beaten to a pulp and left in a pile of its own mushy innards bares even a vague similarity to evidence.

But while we can criticise his absurd views, we should possibly examine how often he is actually right? Now, I don’t have a definitive list, because it would involve trawling through more homophobic paranoia than I could tolerate in a year, but there’s a few examples of this fine mind at work (and he did graduate from Yale Law School, so he can’t be a complete moron, right?).

In 1976, Pat Robertson, like various other crackpots both before and after, predicted that Judgement Day was upon us and that the apocalypse would begin in late 1982. Presumably he saw four people on horseback during a visit to Texas. He went so far as to guarantee this event. I appear to still be here, having been born after 1982. I’m going to have to not let you have that one, Pat.

Ever the hardcore right-wing nutter, Pat Robertson declared that the 2004 Presidential Election would result in a “blowout” victory for George W. Bush. Unfortunately, he called the result correctly but the 2004 election was one of the closest elections in US history.

In 2006, Pat Robertson received a message from God himself that a tsunami would strike the Pacific Northwestern coast of the United States. This has yet to occur (although there is a real chance of tsunami striking the East Coast of the United States should the Canary Islands volcano erupt). There was a documentary on the Discovery Channel that year about a tsunami hitting the Pacific Northwest, so perhaps that is what he meant?

In 2007, God again decided to troll Pat Robertson, and he announced that a massive, possibly nuclear, terrorist attack would occur on US soil. This didn’t happen but Pat stated in 2008 that this must be because God intervened having received prayer from Robertson’s followers. This is an interesting idea – God has the potential to stop all these calamities but only does so if the followers of this crazy cook ask him to do so?

In 2008, Pat Robertson announced a year of “worldwide violence” would occur. The overall global death rate fell in that year. In the same year he predicted a great recession would occur, which could be seen as accurate, were it not for the small issue of the recession already having begun in 2007.

In 2012, our good friend Pat Robertson was told by God who would win the next presidential election. He neglected to share this information with the rest of the world. Incidentally, God has told me who will win the SuperBowl in 2016, and who will be the leading points scorer in the next NHL season. I’m not going to share that information with you but I’ll be around next year to smugly gloat about how I was right, because I will be. So there.

To be fair to Pat Robertson, he did announce prior to the election that God had told him that Mitt Romney would defeat Barack Obama, subsequently serving two-terms in office. God really must enjoy making you look like a berk, eh Pat?

In fact, if I was Pat Robertson, I might come to the conclusion that given all the duff information God has been feeding me over the years, it could well be a case that equal marriage won’t result in legalised incest, massive wildfires across the US or whatever nonsense he wants to claim on that subject. It might just be that God wants the world to know how wrong Pat is, and so comes to him to feed him nonsense in order to show him up as a clueless crank. Unfortunately, Pat Robertson isn’t quite getting the message there. Shame.

Of course, I’m no closer to understanding why this man seems to get so much attention in the United States, why he has his own television show, or why he’s still a thing.

For more words of wisdom from Pat Robertson, enjoy this video.

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