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The Mysterious Alternate Reality of Yodel

The Mysterious Alternate Reality of Yodel

Yodel: For When You Absolutely, Positively Don’t Give a Shit About Your Customers.

For those not in the know, Yodel are an alleged delivery company operating in the United Kingdom. They were originally known as HDNL (Home Delivery Network Ltd) but at some point in the past few years changed their name, possibly to try and distance the original name from the huge number of complaints that proliferate online forums.

Yodel don’t seem to occupy the same area of the space-time continuum as the rest of us. For instance, whereas other delivery services are able to provide reasonable estimations for when a package may arrive (DPD even give you a little map, like that Santa thing at Christmas!), Yodel instead opt for the disconcertingly vague time of 8am to 9pm.

What makes this even better is that you don’t even get suitable warning that they’ll be delivering to you. Whereas some networks send you an email or text message with advance warning of when they have scheduled your delivery, Yodel opt for the text you first thing in the morning on the day they have chosen to deliver approach.

What’s that? You might not be available that day? Well bollocks to you. You should be working to Yodel’s schedule, not the other way around, you nimrod. One can only assume that to Yodel, it’s still 1996 and a simple thing such as any reasonable element of pre-planning is just not viable.

Realistically, much of this is likely to keep costs down. Many of the major online retailers rely on Yodel to deliver their packages and once they’ve forked out for those times that Yodel simply throw things over gates (see video below), Yodel must really be offering some damn good rates to remain as large as they are. If you’ve bought anything online that Royal Mail haven’t dealt with, you’ve likely used Yodel a few times. Granted, you might not realise you’ve been using Yodel as Yodel employ a handy network of self-employed couriers to deliver packages from time to time. These people are often much better at this job than Yodel are and likely receive a pittance.

Another perplexing part of Yodel’s operations is that they appear to have somehow managed to fix their vans with a flux capacitor, or other similar time travel mechanism. For instance, today I’ve been waiting in for a package and have periodically been checking the online status – why I engage in this futile endeavour I don’t know – but something most peculiar has occurred. At 10:02 I received a text message telling me that my parcel was out for delivery and would be delivered today before 9pm. This included a tracking number. Throughout the day the status has remained as “Out for Delivery” and so I have sat here, waiting.

Incidentally, I had another package delivered by Yodel at around 2-3pm today so why they were unable to bundle everything coming to me in the same van, given the online tracking states that at 7am this morning all my packages were in the same place, I simply do not know.

Things got interesting about thirty minutes ago when I checked the status again. It would appear that the package is now back at the service station after they tried to deliver but failed. Oddly, they claim that they attempted to deliver at 9:50am, twelve minutes before the text message telling me that my parcel was out for delivery. In addition, they only updated the status at 18:41.

So, did they go back in time or something? How could my parcel have been out for delivery at 10:02 if they had already attempted to deliver it twelve minutes earlier and presumably given up at this point? They also claim that they left a card but no card has been left. Even the postman had nothing for me this morning so my kitchen floor is completely bare (save for some muddy paw prints that I need to clean up).

So what actually happened here? If they had tried to deliver at 9:50 I would have known about this because I was up at this time and at exactly 9:50 I had just let the dog out and therefore was outside my front door. If they had left a card I would have known about this because I would have seen it. All I can suppose is that somehow they have drifted into a bizarre alternate reality where daylight savings time does not exist and attempted to deliver to an alternate me who has better things to do than wait inside all day for the delivery of a new set of PC headphones.

What do I do now? Do I try and reschedule, or do I wait for alternate me to reschedule? How do I ensure that Yodel return to my dimension so that I get my headphones? Does alternate Chris even need headphones? He might not have sat on his and needed a replacement. I wonder if we can all gain access to the technology that allows Yodel to shift dimensions in order to pretend they’re doing their job?

It’s a mystery. As is this:

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