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Cryptozoology: Even Microsoft Word Thinks It’s Nonsense

Cryptozoology: Even Microsoft Word Thinks It’s Nonsense

Cryptozoology is what amounts to a pseudo-science that studies mythological creatures to try and ascertain whether they are real or not. Personally, I think the clue is in the word “mythological” but what do I know? It is such a respected branch of “science”, as respected as that which tries to make the perfect bacon sandwich and toast, that Microsoft Word is underlining every single use of the term with that red wave that indicates I’m making up words.This is an admitted departure from the actual purpose of this blog but it truly isn’t my intent to betray my vision for this blog quicker than one of these “twerker” types betrays any sense of self-respect; I’m merely bored and this will kill some time.

This week I’ve seen two cryptozoological related “news” stories (I use the word as loosely as Justin Bieber’s grip on modesty) and both are quite shocking in their own way.

First, we have a group from Dallas who somebody provided with half a million dollars to investigate whether Bigfoot, or as cryptozoologist types call him, sasquatch, is real. They conducted a thorough investigation, which consisted of wandering around the woodlands and crafting a crude remake of The Blair Witch Project. The conclusion of their clearly difficult and thorough task involved some rather blurry video footage which displayed a combination of gorilla-grams and props from 1980’s B-movies. In short, they concluded Bigfoot, or in this case, many Bigfoot (Bigfeet? Bigfoots? I’m not sure what the plural is of bullshit) was very much real.

Why should we doubt them? As we all know, if you give someone $500,000 to investigate something of questionable veracity and which nobody can actually prove is real with current technology, the person that you have given the money to won’t just make shit up to try and justify the expenditure of this $500,000. They couldn’t possibly have spent $500,000 on a few costumes, some props, a big bag of reefer and the whisky output of Tennessee and just had a fucking good party. Nah, they’re telling the truth, of course they are.

Or perhaps they’re hoping for a bit more money so they can live it up in Asia… I’m sorry, investigate the Abominable Snowman?

This leads me to our next lot of cryptozoological fantasy – the Loch Ness Monster. For years, the sane among us have been quite aware that Loch Ness is located in a rather murky area of the world and nobody really enjoys going there; much like Blackpool. But whereas Blackpool built some tacky hotels, a tackier amusement park and whored themselves out to hen parties and those into the oh-so-classy pursuit of naked women’s mud wrestling, the people around Loch Ness just made up a big fucking monster and have perpetuated the myth ever since – and why not? Without the tourism generated by “Nessie” the people so dependent on it would have to get a real job. A far more frightening thought.

Now, it appears that sometime last year some guy took some picture and some people believed it was Nessie. In fact, it was described by the Loch Ness Monster Society (or whatever they’re calling themselves) as the most realistic photograph of Nessie that has ever been taken, which is a bit of a problem, because this guy who took it, a George Edwards, has now confessed it was a fake. So, the most realistic photograph of your “monster” ever taken is a fake? Good start.

Not only is this photograph a fake, but George Edwards is actually someone who believes in Nessie, runs “Nessie tours” (which I assume is code for ‘floats around in a boat for a bit while babbling random shit to rubes’) and has said he only did this to attract tourists to the area (*ahem*real job*ahem*).

Now, I’m sorry George, but when the only proof you can provide that Nessie exists is a photograph that you yourself faked, it does damage your credibility. And I’m not the only one who thinks so; self-professed “white witch” Kevin Carlyon was livid, so livid in fact that he has placed a curse on poor ol’ George. A psychic torpedo will strike his boat at Halloween! This does make me wonder whether we could use psychic torpedos against Somali pirates, but I’ll wait until Halloween before I back the viability of this because given the happenings up there, he’s probably just going to chuck hardened dog crap at him from the shores.

Loch Ness Monster “expert” Steve Feltham, who The Scotsman described as “the most famous Nessie hunter” (I suppose he has contributed more to society than Paris Hilton) has complained that George’s actions has damaged the reputation of the beast. Personally, Steve, I don’t think the reputation of something that doesn’t exist is going to be that damaged by all of this.

Steve also said “When people read things like this, they’ll think it is all a fairytale.”

No Steve, we think that already but what I am curious about is how you can be an expert in something that isn’t real and actually be considered a go-to source for information on your fictitious subject? I think I might declare myself an expert on the Easter Bunny; there’s got to be some chocolate in it, right?



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