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This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

People are Dicks

I often wonder how it can be that not everybody on this planet is a raving misanthrope? It’s probably a good thing that isn’t the case. We’ve already managed to put enough genocidal madmen into positions of supreme authority, with access to nuclear weapons. Still, almost daily you encounter stories about utter morons doing daft-as-shit things for no discernible reason.

Today, I have read the story about an ancient coffin being damaged by people who stuck a child in it for the sake of a photograph. In order to do this, they had to have lifted the child over a protective barrier. Presumably, to get the shot they’re after they planned to then clamber over the barrier themselves. During this bout of witless stupidity, the coffin sustained damage. Who couldn’t see that coming?

How Did This Happen?

While it may seem presumptuous to jump to conclusions about their intentions, I’m going to have a go. Parent A, who may well have been dropped on the head a few times by their parents, had already checked in on Facebook to let all their friends know where they were. Possibly, they didn’t receive enough sycophantic ass-kissing reactions from their gaggle of cohorts. It may have even been the worst Facebook day for them since that photo of what they disingenuously described as spaghetti only received one like.

Desperately fearing that the pseudo-popularity facilitated by a website that claims to give more of a shit about your friendships than you do was on the wane, they pulled out the big guns. In the realms of delusional social capital, nothing is more valuable than the kiddywink! Forcing your spawn to pose for a “cute” photograph in order to solicit heart-reactions and barely-believable drooling responses seems to greatly increase the value of your kid. Heck, it almost becomes worth having one.

Children: They’re Not Mannequins

Of course, children are not exactly known for being able to stay still. Often they kick and flap their arms about like a demented parrot. Prior to the age of around three, their heads are so oversized that they can only waddle around like Gazza doing ballet, with the foreseeable outcome of falling flat on their face. These are not beings that you want anywhere near priceless historical artefacts. You may as well let a troop of bull-riding chimpanzees loose in your museum. Now we know why they put barriers up, eh?

Undeterred, Parent A roped in a spine-lacking Parent B to pull off the single greatest photograph since that macaque took a selfie. At some point, the child started kicking and flapping its arms about like a demented parrot. Keeping hold of a child in such a state becomes akin to maintaining one’s grip on a horny ferret. To the parents’ shock, the child striking the coffin caused a chunk of it to fall off. With only the barrier and various warnings about the fragile nature of the exhibits, they were at a loss for how this could have happened! Since children do not need to be taught to face up to responsibilities, at this point the chuckleheads scarpered.

According to the museum, the coffin will need to be completely enclosed in the future. Likely, there is also a not-insignificant repair bill forthcoming. Therefore, like with life in general, everybody suffers because a couple of fucking clowns couldn’t keep their dipshittery in check for a few minutes. The heroin addict-like urges of this family to bask in the insincere admiration of their social media buddies punishes us all. Slow. Fucking. Clap.

Selfishness is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

This might all seem like the strangest thing to write about today. It is far from the worst thing going on in the world and doesn’t compare to terrorist group levels of disdain for historical relics. However, the fact that it happened and that the people responsible fucked off is indicative of a small but growing section of society that is ultimately guided by their own selfishness. These idiots couldn’t give a toss about anything but whatever woeful gratification they get from sharing pointless photographs.

If there is any justice in the world, they’ll be caught and sentenced to either pay the repair costs or work off the value in community service. However, the chances are that they’ll be given a slap on the wrist, bitch on Facebook that it is somehow someone else’s fault and then use it as a “funny story” during get-togethers years from now, while cackling like a witch whose new magic wand is made by Hitachi.


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